Decent Start!

Once I got up this morning, I was feeling a little sluggish noting the time I went to bed and all the junk I ate yesterday. My cat refused that I get another minute of sleep so I got up and took a walk. I walked to my local fruit market to pick up lemons so that I could try my Master Cleanse again. I got there in about 10 minutes and I felt great. I am not really sure how far it is, but being outside and breathing fresh air made me feel good. I picked up my 20 lemons for only $2 and headed on out.

On my way back I noticed that I started to smile. I was smiling just because! No one made me laugh or there was nothing funny. It was just geniune contentness for getting out and trying to change my life!

As I started to pay attention to what was going on around me, I felt like people were watching me. When they drove past eyes were pointed at me just a little longer than I would like. Why? I can not say what it was but I felt really self-conscious. I was not sure if it was because I was walking. I mean come on! Its the Motor City.... You are supposed to drive everywhere, right? Wrong! I think people get so caught up in since I have a car I need to use the car all the time. I am going to try and walk to all of my destinations if it is possible. I want to end my sedentery lifestyle and start making healthy choices for me.
On the other hand were they looking at me because I am fat? Or my hair was a little messy? Not sure....

A Week Later.....

Not even a week later have I failed.

I didnt last one day on really trying to work towards my goals, but I will start again.....



I need to continue to remind myself that my will is stronger than any physical limitation and that I can do ANYTHING that I put my mind to.

In starting over, I began reading a book by Jillian Michaels, "Winning by Losing".
In a section of the book, I am supposed to tackle negative self image and answer some questions....

Here goes:

1. Do you have negative self-image?
Honestly, yes. I have never been fit. Even when I played softball and worked out 6 days a week, I was trying to lose weight and have done nothing but gained weight over the years. In high school, there was something that was said to me that still plaques me. A guy said that I look like 'a fat white girl' infering that I am overweight and do not possess the curves of the "normal" black woman. When I see myself in the mirror, I dont see someone who is attractive. Unfortunately, I havent found one thing that I absolutely love about myself.....

2. Do you lack self-confidence?
I do not possess any self confidence. I used to be confident in some things but it seems over the past few months I have lost all of it. I lost my job recently and it has pu a huge damper on my confidence in general. Since this time (about 6 weeks), I have gained atleast 15lbs. I am sure my increase in alcohol, donuts and sedentary lifestyle has contributed to this rapid weight gain. My clothes all look funny and I am extremely uncomfortable in any clothing that I wear, especially on outings.....

3. Do you feel powerless?
I have learned a poem called invictus that should help me with this. "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul"  Despite this knowledge, I still feel that the state of my life at this present time is/was in the hands of others.....

4. Do you label yourself in negative or deprecating ways?
Yes, I typically beat people to the punch. I dont want anyone else to say it, so i get to it first. I say 'yeah i gained weight' before someone can say "have you gained weight".......

5. How is this negativity serving you?
I am not sure what the negativity is doing for me.... Defense mechanism? probably.... An opportunity to place the blame or make excuses..... probably


The Reversal Exercise? I will need some help from my friends on this one.

So it starts....

So last night I thought about ways that I can achieve my goals....

The first I will do is the Master Cleanse. It is Day 1 of it. I decided to do it for a few reasons. First, I want to eliminate cravings for food. I have a serious addiction to donuts, cake, and alcohol.

Cleanse means to free from dirt, defilement, and guilt.

This Cleanse I hope will not only jump start my weightloss, but my NEW beginning. I hope to start anew with my hair, start anew with my finances, start anew with my career/educational plans and just cleanse any kind of dirt, dirty vibes, or anything that is not clean!

On a side note, my mom will be helping me set up some space for me! I hope that goes well....

Genesis

In less than 6 months, my life has made a complete 180 degree turn. I have gone from my theme song being "Independent", where I had 2 jobs, my own apartment, a decent bank account and was doing well in school.
Six months and twenty pounds later, I have not found out why my life has took this sharp turn. I am not in school, I am flat broke with bills piled high, my hair is falling out, living with my parents, borderline alcoholic and an emotional mess.

I am determined to get back on top. My fear is that this is not bottom; if it is, I can only go up!

I am using this blog as a journey, a document, and as an outlet to get my life back...


The things I want to work on

Body: I want to be proud of the way I look and happy about the way my clothes fit. I want to find confidence in myself

Hair: I am not sure of what I really want out of my hair, but I do want a healthy head of hair. I want to be confident and free and I think my hair helps to illustrate that

Intellect: I want to "wow" people with my mind and witts. There are too many times I feel that I am inferior or not smart enough to attain my goals

Financial: I want financial freedom. I want to be independent of credit cards and able to buy the things that I need and desire

Life: I want to find a career that satisies me and get back in school so that I can attain my ultimate career goals....


I know that these things are really far fetched, a little corny and maybe even vain but I have to begin somewhere....