I am not sure what it is but sundays do something to me. Its like on Sunday, you think about all of the terrible things you have done the previous week. Every Sunday I sit and think about the extra donut, extra piece of chicken, the tighter clothing and the increasing scale. Every Sunday, I think of all the missed opportunities to apply for jobs, study for the MCAT or do anything with my life. I cant say that I have found pleasure in anything that I do, but what I did figure out is that I have been focused on things that I can accomplish with the least effort. That translates to ...... Cleaning out the cabinet, Cleaning out the refridegerator, Beating Super Mario twice, Donkey Kong Twice. Why have I focused on things that mean absolutely nothing? Because of fear! I am afraid to attempt anything that I may not do well on. I still want to feel accomplished so i get gratification from saving the princess, the banana supply of the world, or even having my mom or dad be happy that I cleaned up something.
Every Sunday I sit here talking about all these things I am going to do, want to do....
But then the next Sunday discover, things have never changed.....
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Decent Start!
Once I got up this morning, I was feeling a little sluggish noting the time I went to bed and all the junk I ate yesterday. My cat refused that I get another minute of sleep so I got up and took a walk. I walked to my local fruit market to pick up lemons so that I could try my Master Cleanse again. I got there in about 10 minutes and I felt great. I am not really sure how far it is, but being outside and breathing fresh air made me feel good. I picked up my 20 lemons for only $2 and headed on out.
On my way back I noticed that I started to smile. I was smiling just because! No one made me laugh or there was nothing funny. It was just geniune contentness for getting out and trying to change my life!
As I started to pay attention to what was going on around me, I felt like people were watching me. When they drove past eyes were pointed at me just a little longer than I would like. Why? I can not say what it was but I felt really self-conscious. I was not sure if it was because I was walking. I mean come on! Its the Motor City.... You are supposed to drive everywhere, right? Wrong! I think people get so caught up in since I have a car I need to use the car all the time. I am going to try and walk to all of my destinations if it is possible. I want to end my sedentery lifestyle and start making healthy choices for me.
On the other hand were they looking at me because I am fat? Or my hair was a little messy? Not sure....
On my way back I noticed that I started to smile. I was smiling just because! No one made me laugh or there was nothing funny. It was just geniune contentness for getting out and trying to change my life!
As I started to pay attention to what was going on around me, I felt like people were watching me. When they drove past eyes were pointed at me just a little longer than I would like. Why? I can not say what it was but I felt really self-conscious. I was not sure if it was because I was walking. I mean come on! Its the Motor City.... You are supposed to drive everywhere, right? Wrong! I think people get so caught up in since I have a car I need to use the car all the time. I am going to try and walk to all of my destinations if it is possible. I want to end my sedentery lifestyle and start making healthy choices for me.
On the other hand were they looking at me because I am fat? Or my hair was a little messy? Not sure....
A Week Later.....
Not even a week later have I failed.
I didnt last one day on really trying to work towards my goals, but I will start again.....
I need to continue to remind myself that my will is stronger than any physical limitation and that I can do ANYTHING that I put my mind to.
In starting over, I began reading a book by Jillian Michaels, "Winning by Losing".
In a section of the book, I am supposed to tackle negative self image and answer some questions....
Here goes:
1. Do you have negative self-image?
Honestly, yes. I have never been fit. Even when I played softball and worked out 6 days a week, I was trying to lose weight and have done nothing but gained weight over the years. In high school, there was something that was said to me that still plaques me. A guy said that I look like 'a fat white girl' infering that I am overweight and do not possess the curves of the "normal" black woman. When I see myself in the mirror, I dont see someone who is attractive. Unfortunately, I havent found one thing that I absolutely love about myself.....
2. Do you lack self-confidence?
I do not possess any self confidence. I used to be confident in some things but it seems over the past few months I have lost all of it. I lost my job recently and it has pu a huge damper on my confidence in general. Since this time (about 6 weeks), I have gained atleast 15lbs. I am sure my increase in alcohol, donuts and sedentary lifestyle has contributed to this rapid weight gain. My clothes all look funny and I am extremely uncomfortable in any clothing that I wear, especially on outings.....
3. Do you feel powerless?
I have learned a poem called invictus that should help me with this. "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul" Despite this knowledge, I still feel that the state of my life at this present time is/was in the hands of others.....
4. Do you label yourself in negative or deprecating ways?
Yes, I typically beat people to the punch. I dont want anyone else to say it, so i get to it first. I say 'yeah i gained weight' before someone can say "have you gained weight".......
5. How is this negativity serving you?
I am not sure what the negativity is doing for me.... Defense mechanism? probably.... An opportunity to place the blame or make excuses..... probably
The Reversal Exercise? I will need some help from my friends on this one.
I didnt last one day on really trying to work towards my goals, but I will start again.....
I need to continue to remind myself that my will is stronger than any physical limitation and that I can do ANYTHING that I put my mind to.
In starting over, I began reading a book by Jillian Michaels, "Winning by Losing".
In a section of the book, I am supposed to tackle negative self image and answer some questions....
Here goes:
1. Do you have negative self-image?
Honestly, yes. I have never been fit. Even when I played softball and worked out 6 days a week, I was trying to lose weight and have done nothing but gained weight over the years. In high school, there was something that was said to me that still plaques me. A guy said that I look like 'a fat white girl' infering that I am overweight and do not possess the curves of the "normal" black woman. When I see myself in the mirror, I dont see someone who is attractive. Unfortunately, I havent found one thing that I absolutely love about myself.....
2. Do you lack self-confidence?
I do not possess any self confidence. I used to be confident in some things but it seems over the past few months I have lost all of it. I lost my job recently and it has pu a huge damper on my confidence in general. Since this time (about 6 weeks), I have gained atleast 15lbs. I am sure my increase in alcohol, donuts and sedentary lifestyle has contributed to this rapid weight gain. My clothes all look funny and I am extremely uncomfortable in any clothing that I wear, especially on outings.....
3. Do you feel powerless?
I have learned a poem called invictus that should help me with this. "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul" Despite this knowledge, I still feel that the state of my life at this present time is/was in the hands of others.....
4. Do you label yourself in negative or deprecating ways?
Yes, I typically beat people to the punch. I dont want anyone else to say it, so i get to it first. I say 'yeah i gained weight' before someone can say "have you gained weight".......
5. How is this negativity serving you?
I am not sure what the negativity is doing for me.... Defense mechanism? probably.... An opportunity to place the blame or make excuses..... probably
The Reversal Exercise? I will need some help from my friends on this one.
Monday, May 16, 2011
So it starts....
So last night I thought about ways that I can achieve my goals....
The first I will do is the Master Cleanse. It is Day 1 of it. I decided to do it for a few reasons. First, I want to eliminate cravings for food. I have a serious addiction to donuts, cake, and alcohol.
Cleanse means to free from dirt, defilement, and guilt.
This Cleanse I hope will not only jump start my weightloss, but my NEW beginning. I hope to start anew with my hair, start anew with my finances, start anew with my career/educational plans and just cleanse any kind of dirt, dirty vibes, or anything that is not clean!
On a side note, my mom will be helping me set up some space for me! I hope that goes well....
The first I will do is the Master Cleanse. It is Day 1 of it. I decided to do it for a few reasons. First, I want to eliminate cravings for food. I have a serious addiction to donuts, cake, and alcohol.
Cleanse means to free from dirt, defilement, and guilt.
This Cleanse I hope will not only jump start my weightloss, but my NEW beginning. I hope to start anew with my hair, start anew with my finances, start anew with my career/educational plans and just cleanse any kind of dirt, dirty vibes, or anything that is not clean!
On a side note, my mom will be helping me set up some space for me! I hope that goes well....
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Genesis
In less than 6 months, my life has made a complete 180 degree turn. I have gone from my theme song being "Independent", where I had 2 jobs, my own apartment, a decent bank account and was doing well in school.
Six months and twenty pounds later, I have not found out why my life has took this sharp turn. I am not in school, I am flat broke with bills piled high, my hair is falling out, living with my parents, borderline alcoholic and an emotional mess.
I am determined to get back on top. My fear is that this is not bottom; if it is, I can only go up!
I am using this blog as a journey, a document, and as an outlet to get my life back...
The things I want to work on
Body: I want to be proud of the way I look and happy about the way my clothes fit. I want to find confidence in myself
Hair: I am not sure of what I really want out of my hair, but I do want a healthy head of hair. I want to be confident and free and I think my hair helps to illustrate that
Intellect: I want to "wow" people with my mind and witts. There are too many times I feel that I am inferior or not smart enough to attain my goals
Financial: I want financial freedom. I want to be independent of credit cards and able to buy the things that I need and desire
Life: I want to find a career that satisies me and get back in school so that I can attain my ultimate career goals....
I know that these things are really far fetched, a little corny and maybe even vain but I have to begin somewhere....
Six months and twenty pounds later, I have not found out why my life has took this sharp turn. I am not in school, I am flat broke with bills piled high, my hair is falling out, living with my parents, borderline alcoholic and an emotional mess.
I am determined to get back on top. My fear is that this is not bottom; if it is, I can only go up!
I am using this blog as a journey, a document, and as an outlet to get my life back...
The things I want to work on
Body: I want to be proud of the way I look and happy about the way my clothes fit. I want to find confidence in myself
Hair: I am not sure of what I really want out of my hair, but I do want a healthy head of hair. I want to be confident and free and I think my hair helps to illustrate that
Intellect: I want to "wow" people with my mind and witts. There are too many times I feel that I am inferior or not smart enough to attain my goals
Financial: I want financial freedom. I want to be independent of credit cards and able to buy the things that I need and desire
Life: I want to find a career that satisies me and get back in school so that I can attain my ultimate career goals....
I know that these things are really far fetched, a little corny and maybe even vain but I have to begin somewhere....
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